Sadness and Silliness

What a strange season this is.

There are hard things happening. My precious grandfather's health is declining and it is such a heart-rending thing to watch. Some days I feel strong and then other days the tears sneak up on me when I least expect them. Today it was while I was on the treadmill. I ran while I sobbed.

But at the same time there are beautiful things happening. My nephew, Jack, will be born in just over a month, and we are all so excited to meet him. Three of my four sisters and I spent a sisters weekend in Napa this last weekend and had a good time.

In the middle of my sadness this morning about my grandfather, my sister, Whitney, sent me some wonderful photos from this last weekend in Napa that made me giggle out loud. I don't have any doubt that my grandfather would have had a huge smile on his face if he could have watched and listened to our sister silliness.

This evening I am struck by the fact that what is good, happy and fun weighs just as much as grief, pain and sadness. That I can feel "both/and," and that what really matters is the heart-to-heart connection with those I am sharing this life with that exists in, around and through both the sadness and the silliness.

Sherbert & Sepia ~ A Fabric & Paper Scrapbook

Another paper and fabric altered art book for sale HERE in my etsy shoppe.

"My Doll" Heirloom Scrapbook

You can find this sweet little book HERE.

Another excerpt from "Threads"

(a bit from "Threads," a maybe-fiction-work I'm working on)

"'I want you to let me help you. I want you to let me in, just one step at a time. Don’t even try to trust me. Just let me share today with you. And then let me share tomorrow with you. And I think that after a while, when we have too many yesterdays behind us to count, you will wake up one day and find that that part of you that was broken, isn’t anymore. Or maybe it will always be broken. I don’t know. But we’ll build a new place inside of you, together. One day at a time, we will build something that is new and beautiful and strong. And if it still hurts that the old places are broken, that’s o.k. But I think maybe the more new things we build together, the less the old broken places will hurt. I don’t know for sure, but I want to believe that. Please, Rachel. Just let me in your today. That’s all for now. Don’t even worry about tomorrow. We’ll do tomorrow when it gets here.'”

Her face, so tender and so open, made me weak. And then her hands cupped my chin again and pulled my face toward hers."

Under....Reaching for

Feeling the first list...trying to reach for the second list...

STUCK ....................................... Free
GRIEVING ................................. Celebrating
NUMB ......................................... Feeling
REMOVED ................................. Present
SHUT DOWN ............................. Opened up
DEPRESSED .............................. Joyful
FRUSTRATED ........................... Creative
SAD ............................................. Happy
BROKEN .................................... Whole
LONELY ..................................... Held
AVOIDING ................................. Looking for
HIDING ....................................... Exposing
WORRIED ................................... Hopeful
AFRAID ....................................... Trusting
HOPELESS .................................. Expectant
ISOLATING ................................ Reaching out

Bits of "Threads"

"...'Today as I pulled thread through fabric, and then held the fabric out so that I could see the project I’m slowly stitching on in its entirety, imagining what someone else might think if they saw it, and if they would see the beauty I see, I realized there is something about creating a beautiful thing, something that no one has ever seen before, but that pulls on the viewer's heart or appeals to their soul in some new way, that has always had a curious power over me."

I looked up and met Ellie's eyes. They were intent in a way that surprised me. I was expecting her to be listening, of course, but I hadn't expected the silent 'answer' in her eyes, or the deep feeling of connection her eyes communicated, and not just me to her, but her to me. She was really listening in a way that made me wonder if anyone had ever been listening to me before now. She nodded, encouraging me to continue.

"There are only a couple things besides that that have such power over me," I went on, looking up at her to see if she was still tracking with me. Her brown eyes told me she was.

"One is ... knowing I affect someone else, that something about me draws them in. I am undone by the knowing that, in someone’s eyes, I am uniquely beautiful, and that under their gaze I glow or shine.  I guess this is not that dissimilar from my desire for my art to be appreciated. One is a craving to be seen by someone and found beautiful; the other is a desire for something I’ve made to be beheld by someone and found beautiful."

I stopped, realizing I'd been staring into my coffee cup as I spoke. I looked up again and was surprised to see her eyes were watery. My words had moved her in some way.  

"What does this mean, Ellie?" I asked her, not really expecting an answer. "Perhaps this makes me uniquely insecure and needy. Perhaps it means I’m an artist. I’m sure it means I’m human.'"

Love is a Bucket

Love is
Lowering the bucket of my soul
Into the depths of the well of you,
Allowing my soul to be filled up
With that water that is
Deepest and
Lowest and
Truest in you,
And then fetching it back up,
Pouring in into a cup I made with my hands,
And raising it up to your mouth,
So that you may taste what I taste.

And Love is also this:
Doing so, not knowing
The outcome,
But filled with a desire to see your eyes light up
When you taste what I taste
That is greater than
My fear that you will not
Love me in return.