A Messy...But Beautiful...Night

She turned 9 a few weeks ago when I wasn't looking. I can't believe I have been her mama for more than 9 years now! Amazing!

Emily is a wonderful person. A delight. Smart as a whip. A natural beauty. And stubborn as the day is long.

Tonight I realized this incredible girl just might be more stubborn than her mama. If you know me personally, you know that's saying something!

Tonight Emily and I had the first of what I know will be dozens, if not more, of battles of our wills. O.k. maybe it's not the first. In a way, the first one was when she was not even three. But something was different about tonight. It wasn't Mama and Kid the whole time. There were moments when it was two women.

This was a significant battle. It was over her bed sheets. Now, bed sheets are something I feel pretty strongly about, don't get me wrong, but this wasn't REALLY about the bed sheets, if you know what I mean. Impeccable bed-making skills is something that I take pride in and hope to pass down (my grandfathers on both sides were in the service and brought home their taste for "army corners"...the sort of bed that is made so tightly you could drop a coin on it and it would bounce and is just heaven to climb into). But tonight wasn't about a perfectionist mama wanting to pass the torch.

Tonight was about being a woman. I know that sounds dramatic. But let me explain.

There was calm explanations, advice, a helping hand, but let's just say our Miss Em did NOT want to learn to make her bed. Granted, it's a top bunk and I KNOW from personal experience that's hard. Even painful. The wood slats, etc. I don't care for it myself. But regardless, there was some....how shall we say...

Helplessness.

That's what this was all about. It started with whining, escalated to hysteria, sobs, digging in of heels and finally, getting it. But not wanting to acknowledge that she got it. Yup. You know what I mean. It's THAT combination most of us women are quite familiar with:

Stubbornness
Loss of Control of Emotions
Helplessness

This was an important discussion. This was an opportunity to begin learning a lesson I will see that she learns. Even if she doesn't like it. Even if she comes along, kicking and screaming. Even if she never acknowledges she learns it. As long as I know she learned it, I will be satisfied. I don't mean that she will learn to do this perfectly. In fact I know she won't. But I want to know that she knows when she chooses helplessness over capability that that IS the choice she is making.

So here's what I said:

"Emily, this isn't really about learning to make your bed, sweetie. This is about being a woman. It's important that you learn this: We are women. We are strong. We are smart. We can do whatever we want to do. That doesn't mean we don't need help. It doesn't mean we don't ask for help. It doesn't mean we know everything and we don't need to learn things. No! It means that we accept help and when we "get it," we acknowledge we get it. When we can do it, we say, 'Thank you for your help. I can do it myself now.'

"Emily, do I let Daddy take care of me? Do things for me?" I asked.

"Yes," she said.

"You're right," I said. "I want to let Daddy help him and he wants to let me help him. But do I NEED Daddy to do things because I'm not strong or smart enough? Could I live on my own? Could I take care of myself? Would I die without him?"

She shook her head. "No."

"That's right," I said. I can and do and will keep asking for and letting Daddy help me. I will help him. But I KNOW inside that I am strong enough and smart enough to take care of myself and THAT is what I want you to learn."

"Emily, there are women who don't know they are strong enough to take care of things. They don't know they are smart enough or wise enough. They don't know because they've never tried. And many of those women were once little girls who cried when they didn't understand something right away, or whined that they couldn't do something because it was too hard, too new, too uncomfortable. And someone said, 'Oh, honey, don't worry about it. I'll do that for you.' They knew inside, just like you do, that they could do it. But the older they got, the more they began to believe their own words. 'I can't do it,' they told people, acting more helpless than they were, until one day, after years of this, they really began to BELIEVE they can't. You are not going to be like that, Emily."

You see now why this was such a watershed conversation. Also why this is the first of a conversation we'll have many times. Why?

Emily is stubborn. When she knows what she wants or doesn't want, everyone knows it and getting her to back down, change her mind to suit someone else or (heaven forbid) admit she is wrong is...almost impossible.

And that stubbornness is wonderful. I love it. I am so glad she is that stubborn.

A lot of Christian parenting books I've read urge me to "break" her. She should should bend before her parents out of respect. But here's the deal. I don't want to bend her. And I certainly don't want to break her. I want her to be respectful of authority. I want her to know when to shut her mouth. I want her to learn to apologize when she needs to. But I want her to keep that stubborn spirit. That knowing that guides her now and will continue to, I hope.

I want Emily to learn to humble herself when she realizes she is wrong. But when she is right, I want that little woman to fight til the death.

She learned how to make the bed. She didn't want to admit it. She didn't want to admit that she had not tried her hardest or that she acted helpless beyond the point when she understood what to do. That's o.k. I told her I might have done the same under the circumstances...she is my daughter, after all! But I admitted that I had gotten too angry, too upset. I apologized. And she apologized, without prompting, for "whining." That was more than good enough for me.

Tonight was important.
Tonight was painful.
Tonight was loud and emotional.

But...
Tonight Emily learned something.
Tonight Emily learned she can be strong...that her own strength is something she has my permission to claim.
Tonight a mama reinforced what she already knew about herself.
Tonight a mama and her daughter connected in a real way.

Tonight was messy. But beautiful. The best kind.

Questions

It's official! The first issue of The Porpoise Diving Life with me as guest editor is up! You can view it HERE.

The topic of this month's issue is "Questions," something we can all identify with in one way or another, and it's an issue packed with really great articles, some beautiful photos and a lot to think about.

"Questions" is an intentionally broad topic and I'm pleased with the wide variety of subject matter, as well as paradigms, that this issue offers. And what wonderful writers and talented photographers I was lucky enough to receive submissions from!

Starting this week I'm going to be focusing on one article/author at a time here on my blog in a interview format, with the idea of understanding the person behind the article. I'd love to get some direct feedback from you and maybe even some conversation, back and forth. This month I'm going to be working hard to get a Porpoise Diving Life blog up and running so we can do this sort of interaction there, but for now it's going to happen here. Something new and exciting! Looking forward to it!

So go on over and check it out! For now, here are some tantalizing "excerpts" from a few of the articles in this month's issues to tempt you:

"There is nothing to fear with questions since they are a natural part of an honest life and because there are so many unknowns and things about which we are uncertain. The only thing to fear is any person or group that discourages asking questions." (excerpt from Cool Questions by Glenn Hager)

"I have some great new friends I’d like to introduce to my Evangelical family-of-origin. Some of them are gay, some of them are deists and a few of them are Star Trek fans. Some of them are Christian, but not in ways that would be familiar. I don’t think any of this process has made me a better person or a better Christian than my conservative friends. But it does make me different. And if they are as afraid of liberalism as I once was, then I still have to ask these questions..." (excerpt from Family Questions: Will Evangelicals Still Love Me? by Peter Walker)

"A dark night of the senses may “feel” as though modes of prayer, experiencing God, or spiritual practices don’t “work” or satisfy. God may “feel” out of reach, distant, unavailable, or gone. It may feel like a dry period, or a time of being in a spiritual dessert. This is not cause for discouragement or alarm, but for stamina. It is a Divine invitation for growth, and greater spiritual depth beyond what one has known." (excerpt from Dark Night of the Soul, by Lisa Colon DeLay)

"There’s a lot of work there…especially for what is supposed to be a “gift.” A huge list of feelings must be ignored in order to accept this gift of salvation. And often, even in those churches that “encourage questions” and talk about wanting to be “open and real,” there still remains an expectation that eventually you’ll come around. The questions will be resolved. The doubts will be laid to rest. What if the questions and doubts are not in fact laid to rest?" (excerpt from Life Outside the Closet by Cheryl Ensom Dack)

"...one ought not dare, nor presume to call oneself artist, poet or knower. One ought agree to agree, to subdue sparkle, bow to others, pretend to not sense the fiery meaning inside meaning, the extra-sensing within all the senses." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

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What do you feel when you read that?

Nope...not what did you THINK....what did you FEEL?

Did you feel a burning or a warmth in your tummy or your chest?

Did you feel emotion rise up into your throat?

What is it that you "shouldn't do," according to the voices around you that tell you that you can't be an artist, you can't be a writer, you can't love your someone deeper than you presently do?

How would you sparkle, if you were allowed?

What firey thing would burn bright inside of you?

What is that voice that tells you that you shouldn't, can't?

What if that voice belonged to a body and that person sat your own child down and told her she can't, shouldn't be the "her" that you know she really is, deep down inside? Would you show it the door? Ask it to leave?

What is blocking you from asking that voice to leave?

What "work" would you do if that voice were to leave and you were left to do what you wanted to do?

What would you create?

What would you sing? dance? write? say? do? Where would you go? Who would you call? What would you do?

Now go do it...

A Friend

"Friendship is the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words, but pouring all right out just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful friendly hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and, with a breath of comfort, blow the rest away." -Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

Friends Forever....a fabric book

"She unwrapped the brown paper parcel, beautifully tied with pink velvet ribbon and smiled at her friend. "I'm so excited!" she said as she set the paper and ribbon aside.

She pulled layers of peach pink tissue paper and tuling aside until the gift lay on her lap. She gasped and tears filled her eyes. "

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This fabric book started as a simple canvas "book" altered by hand to be a special heirloom honoring the beauty of friendship. Details abound..."pockets" for tucking special photos, letters or keepsakes into, pretty vintage and new papers, antique lace, vintage millinery, a vintage ad, rhinestone earring, vintage sheet music, an old key and so much more. The perfect gift for a dear friend. You can write something on every page or you can leave it blank for her to write in.

You will also receive a "tea"-colored fabric pen for writing directly on the fabric, if you desire.

The book is approximately 6x7" and has 10 pages. If you are interested in purchasing this book, please go HERE.

The Field

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi


Thinking a lot about this business of "right" vs. "wrong," "good" vs. "bad," etc. It keeps coming up, everywhere from the book my husband and I are reading to discussions my children and I have been having. I have some thoughts about this that are all over the map, and I'm going to spend some time blogging about them.
These thoughts may seem unrelated to one another, or perhaps, like me, you see, hear and feel a kind of "golden thread" running through it all, leading to....I don't know, but it's there...in that field Rumi is describing in the above (very ancient) quote that life happens. Somehow I know that it's there in that field that I'll find the Tree of Life that Adam and Eve felt "driven away from." The "good" and the "bad" sorting system will collapse and it will just be...us. To imagine the sort of love and connections we could have without that sorting system governing us is stunning. THAT, to me, would be "heaven."
I'd love any feedback you have. I won't publish Anonymous comments. Cowards comment anonymously. But I WILL publish any comments that are not hateful and are not anonymous. So let's hear what you think!
So let's start with the Rumi quote at the start of this post. Thoughts? Feelings? Even if your answer is, "Darn if I know!" I'd love to get your input.

Getaway

My husband and I went away for the weekend...one last getaway before the schoolyear begins. It was so fun. We stayed in San Luis Obispo, slept in, ate some delicious food, did a little shopping, went running one morning at Avila Beach, walked on Pismo Beach and in general, had a really wonderful time. I grew up going to the coast here in California with my family, and though I do love the mountains, for me there is something uniquely beautiful and peaceful about the coast.
We were so busy having fun we didn't take tons of photos but the ones above were from our last day, most of which we spent in charming little Cambria. We ate in a tiny sandwich shop and then spent HOURS in the most amazing antique store I have ever seen in my life. It was three stories and absolutely FULL of jaw-dropping pieces. I could have spent a lot of money but somehow walked away only $23 poorer! I got a couple things for the fabric book I'm making for a customer and a couple things for myself.

The trip was refreshing but also invigorating. There's something about getting out of the normal routine (and heat of the valley!) that fuels my creativity and fills my brain with new ideas. I came back with several blank pages full of sketches and notes for new products for my store, new clothing designs, as well as home (and garden!) decor. I'll share a few in another post.

Started reading this book...loving it.

I discovered a new favorite clothing boutique in San Luis Obispo, and oh how I wish they would open a store here in the valley!

It's called The French Quarter and is full of the most beautiful clothing, handbags, hats and even shoes. Here's what it looks like on the outside...

I wish I had taken photos of the inside! But I was so busy oohing and aahing over everything I didn't even think of it! James and I both kept pulling things off the rack to show one another that were "so Cheryl" and I just walked around groaning and saying, "Oh my god....oh...my....god..." the whole time!

But there was ONE THING that caught my eye especially. I pulled it off the rack and showed James and we both agreed it was incredible. I took it off the hanger and tried it on and...oh my. I looked at the price tag and gulped. Of course I couldn't get it! It was just a sweater. But oh my...what a sweater! Finally, I sadly put it back, telling myself that someday I would find another like it....

I went to the back to try on the most darling sunhat and ogle over the handbags and when I came back to the front of the store, James was standing there with the sweater in my size and told me that he wanted to get it for me. I argued just a TINY bit, but quickly gave in.

I have NEVER owned a piece of clothing I love more. I wore it that night to dinner over a tshirt with jeans and heels. I wore it the next evening to the beach. I wore it antique shopping today. I LOVE IT.

Are you ready? Here it is...not close up...but isn't it just scrumptious????

Here it is on the website in black. But the taupe I bought it in is so much prettier. This photo of the black one doesn't do it justice....

Here are some other pretty pieces from the website. There were so many more things in the store. The website is pretty limited. If you are anywhere near San Luis Obispo, definitely make a little side-trip and take a look for yourself!

Great pants...

Gorgeous shoes....

A coat I would wear all winter....

Sweet, feminine t-shirt....

So if you're in the area, make sure and take a peek for yourself.

Back home and beginning the first week of the school year with a full to-do list. Emily's birthday is a week from today, James started back to work Monday and the girls go back to school tomorrow, so there's tons to do every day this week. And even though the alarm clock went off waaaaaay too early, the laundry is going, my goals for today are looking pretty steep, I'm filled with an optimism and even excitement about this year.

It's going to be a good one, I can tell already!

Love this:

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." - Buddhist Proverb