Tuesday, February 7, 2012

One year ago

I wrote this a year ago but saved it in my drafts. I just found it again. Can't believe it's been a whole year. Missing my Pop Pop so much ...

My grandfather is dying. I am hopeful for him that death comes soon, since he is in pain, confused and has had a full life. But at the same time I don't even know what to do with the fact that this is the person who has loved me the most...the most unconditionally...the most purely...the most without expectation...the most extravagantly. And the fact is, there is no person who will love me like that when he is gone. Never before have I found myself wishing that someone so precious would die, but I know he's ready and I want him to be happy and whole again. I know this is part of being human. But I can't help feeling like I won't ever feel love like we have ever again. I know I can and will be on the "giving" end of this same love, even if I'm not on the "receving" end of it again in this lifetime. That IS comforting. But I don't even know what life will be like with him not here in the flesh, looking at me with adoring eyes that reflect and mirror back to me the way he sees me: PERFECT. I can't quite wrap my brain around the fact that one of these times when I kiss him goodbye and he looks at me that way and says, "I love you. You know that, don't you?" will be the LAST TIME I hear those words from him. And...I also feel that I hope he passes quickly, and for his sake I hope that today was the last time I will ever hear those words. I knew this would be hard, but I didn't know it would feel like this.

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