We were talking about books we enjoy and those we don't and I said that I am no longer interested in reading books written by authors who have "gotten it" and who now want to impart this great knowledge they've "gotten" to me. I just don't have any use for that.
I no longer view truth as "out there," something I have to go out and find, uncover, attain to or earn the right to hear/understand by taking the right posture or some shit. For me, truth is IN me....in you...in my 3-year-old. I want to interact with the truth inside of me and inside of others. But I'm not trying to find it, capture it and then post it on the front of my house or tattoo it on my forehead. I'm not trying to "get" truth and hang on to it for dear life. I'm not trying to be sure my truth lines up with any specific belief system or meets with the approval of others.
The point is, at 33, I am at a point where I'm ready to just live. Just LIVE. No more religion. No more bodies of belief to try to believe all of. No more I'm right and you're wrong. No more pushing down my own desires or personality to be more....fill in the blank. I'm me. I'm alive. I don't know for how long. So I'm going to live, damn it.
Here's what that means for me:
Basically: I want to engage lovingly with those in my life, enjoy life and as much as possible help to makeothers' lives more enjoyable. Pretty simple.
For me right now that includes:
-understanding myself better...the truth of me...why I do what I do...why I've done what I've done...what I truly want
-moving toward the healing of brokenness inside of me that keeps me from experiencing life to the fullest/harms or hurts others
-doing the things that make me feel alive and nurture me as much as possible (my art stuff, sewing, writing, reading, keeping in good shape, time with friends, eating good food, having new exciting experiences, making my home/surroundings beautiful and warm)
-learn more about/understand the people I love, so as to love them in the ways they are most helped/fed by
-as much as it depends on me, striving for a connection with those I love in which they feel I want to understand amd truly know the real them and in which they feel unconditionally loved/accepted.
-guarding my own boundaries with a firm hand and not letting people in who will use me, with whom I can't have a healthy relationship or with whom relationship involves adjusting my boundaries for their sake or violating my own personal integrity.
And that's it. Today anyway.
I'm curious what life boils down to for you. What does being the most alive as you can mean for you? What do you most want? What is most meaningful to you?