Is Institutional Marriage the Opposite of Unconditional Love?

This song by Alanis Morissette is an incredible description of unconditional love. The lyrics are typed out at the end of this post. How does/doesn't this kind of love fit into our views about "normal, healthy marriages?" I'm struggling to think of any marriage I know about in which both partners could say/mean this to one another. There are so many reasons for that. Practical reasons, even. Here's some:

If I love like this

•  My spouse might feel they can just go off with someone else
• I would have to be in charge of my own "personal nest" in such a way that the other person walking away wouldn't threaten my well-being or that of my children.
• I would have to open myself up to the risk of being hurt/left/rejected

O.k. but wait a second ... even in traditional marriage, either spouses can technically still walk out. Even in traditional marriage I can't know for sure that I will be provided for and won't need to have the ability to do that myself if my spouse should get sick, lose his job, or even die. Even in traditional marriage, I am vulnerable to the risk of being hurt/left/rejected.

So what's the thing that makes the love in the song lyrics so incompatible with traditional marriage?

I'd like to say that it's GUILT.

In a traditional marriage, the only thing standing between me and my fear of being utterly alone is the knowledge that my spouse would feel GUILT if he or she broke the vows they made to always love one another. And a lot of other people we know would be pissed off, too.

But here's the deal ... I can tell you with experience behind me and every cell in my body agreeing: knowing your partner is with you because they said they would/don't want to break their vow/don't want to feel guilt is the same damn thing as rejection. In some ways it's worse. At least if I'm rejected I am being freed to find someone who DOES want to love me and I them. But in a guilt-based marriage, I know I am not enough, am not performing well enough, aren't pretty or handsome enough, or whatever. AND on top of it, I'm stuck, too, in this guilt marriage, so I can't even hope that I will be loved by someone else the way I signed up to be loved when I said my vows!

I can also tell you with experience behind me and every cell in my body agreeing: I would rather live with the knowledge that this person I love so much might choose to not want a relationship with me anymore at some point in the future, in a non-guilt-based relationship, because I get to KNOW that they are here today because they want to be in a way I would never be assured of in a traditional marriage.

That is a knowledge with trust behind it that no traditional marriage can give me. In traditional marriage I trade in the sureness of knowing the other wants to be with me. I trade it in for security. The sad part it, it's not even REAL security. It's security based on assuming that the other person is motivated by guilt/vows said at the altar.

One of the ways I "test" things like this is to apply the principle to another kind of situation and see if it holds true there. So let's take our love for our children.

I have written about this before here ("Runaway Bunnies, Breasts & Hell") but let's ask ourselves if the love in this song is the way we love our kids? For me, the answer is a resounding, unequivocal YES.

What about friendships? When I consider the idea of trying to make someone promise to be my friend and motivate them with guilt to fulfill their promise, I see that this notion is obviously preposterous.

Why are marriages any different? Supposedly this is the person you love most in the world. And yet this is the person you want to nail down and box up in an institution that promises the illusion of security.

Institutional, traditional marriage puts the other person in a room and then hands them a key. On the key it says the following:

"Use this key to exit this room but do so knowing that you are going to cause hurt and damage. You are going to be labeled all sorts of bad things and you will be be judged to be a bad person by most people you know."

Do you EVER get to know if you are truly loved with a spontaneous, authentic love in that situation? Hell, no. In fact, as soon as you hand that key to your partner, you are saying goodbye to any possibility of ever knowing for sure you are loved, wanted, adored and desired.

This is the same reason why I don't believe in hell. Authentic, real, unconditional love can not be motivated by fear; fear kills love.

I'd go so far as to say that institutional marriage is the opposite of love. That is not to say that people can't reconstruct their marriages from the inside, out. I believe that's possible. We are mid-reconstruction over here! It's scary. But it's also thrilling. It's making me take responsibility for some things that I wouldn't have when I had the attitude that "he's stuck with me, so I don't need to worry about that." But as I take responsibility for those things, making my own personal nest one that doesn't require him to do any certain thing for me to survive, there is this beautiful result: I get to know that, for sure, he's not with me because I would fall flat on my face with no job, no experience and no confidence that I can take care of myself. I can't put a price tag on that.

I'm not saying we've got this thing figured out. We have no idea what we're doing. We are just taking one step at a time, learning from our failures and following our hearts.

This song would have scared the stuffing out of me twelve years ago as I contemplated my wedding, only a month away this time of year! But it doesn't anymore. It feels exciting and inspiring to see and experience life this way.

Here's the lyrics:

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it

I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it

You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it

You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it

(and there are no strings attached to it)



You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give

You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have

I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

And you owe me nothing in return



You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it

You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it

You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it

You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it


(and there are no strings attached to it)



You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give

You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have

I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

And you owe me nothing in return



I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop

I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cuff up

I bet you wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt

This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is



You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it

You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with

You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear it

You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it

(and there are no strings attached)




You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give

You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have

I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

And you owe me nothing in return

On Replay

Dealing with my shit

Lately I've been feeling this....tenderness, for lack of a better word, I guess? I haven't been able to explain the feeling very well until now, and suddenly this afternoon, after listening to this song, the words to describe my feelings are right here on my lap, calmly sitting, looking up at me expectantly, as if they've been here all along, just waiting for me to pick them up. So here they are...the words that match my feelings. And the song that helped me voice them is below my writing.

Last fall I said to myself and a few other people
That I was ready to "deal with my shit,"
As I put it then.
I expected the outcome would be my inner wounds being healed.
A season of "hospital,"
In which I would tend to old hurts
With clean bandages and gentle hands.
A time of playing nurse in a crisp uniform,
Tucking the hurt under soft white sheets with care.

That's not what I'm experiencing.
Instead, it feels more like
I'm being introduced to multiple war victims inside of me.
One by one, they present themselves.
I drop my neatly-rolled-up bandages
As my hands fly up to cover my eyes.
I'm no nurse; I'm horrified.
Sometimes their faces are only recognizable as faces
Because there are two eyes in the middle of
Broken, bleeding flesh.

Sometimes their bodies are so twisted
I think they must be dead.
I prepare to give one of them a good burial.
I rearrange the limbs piled unnaturally on one another,
Mourning as I do,
But draw back in horror
When hoarse breaths suddenly begin.
Oh God...it's not dead.
I can only stand and weep helplessly before these forms,
Too broken to fix,
Yet still alive.

I choke back the bile sometimes as I look into their faces.
I lean in to hear the whispered words
Coming from what used to be a mouth,
Expecting to hear a last word,
Or a plea to help it end its misery.
And I feel willing;
It would be merciful to assist them in this way.
But instead they whisper,
That they don't want death.
And oh God
They don't want to just be "fixed."
They want and need
Their woundedness to be accepted and loved.

I'm looking into these scarred faces
And instead of flinching and calling for a nurse
To cover up the bloody mess already
And get that goddamned surgeon over here and
FIX THIS MESS,
I'm seeing that these seemingly destroyed,
Nearly-unidentifiable piles of broken flesh
Want to be embraced.
Loved.
Now.
I want to run.

And it's then I realize that I've been here before
And I've run before.
And I'll be here again if I run now.
So I bend to pick one of these broken, bloody forms up,
The smell of it making me almost ill,
And pull it close against my chest,
And hold it like one of my own children.
I hum a little bit of "Adelweiss," soft and low,
As I did to my babies, swaying a bit,
And patting its little back.

I murmur words into its ear....
Precious...
Perfect...
Beautiful...
Never again...
Love...
Always...
Safe...

And I suddenly realize
These are the words I've been longing to hear
For my whole life.
So I say them again.
And again.
Until the little form in my arms finally relaxes
And sleeps.

Life is...YOU ARE...

Watching/listening to this incredible video from Akin Salawu over and over again.

As you watch it, pay attention to how your spirit responds to this.

It feels to me like a loving parent is looking into my eyes, fully seeing and knowing the REAL me, and loving me in such an extravagant way that I can hardly keep from laughing and crying all at once.

If you are like me you will feel courage, strength and intention to be 100% REAL YOU because you know that you MUST, and that if you don't, the world will be missing out on you as surely as the rainbow (or the earth for that matter) would be less than itself with the color blue missing...

"...And I Know That My Heart Is My Home..."

My new favorite song. I really like the music video, too, but there's some scantily-clad-ed-ness in it, just to warn you. :)

Here's the beautiful but not modest version:



And a version without all the skin, if you prefer!

"These Are a Few of My Favorite Things..."

As a little girl, one of my favorite movies was The Sound of Music. I still love it. One of my favorite songs from the film is "Favorite Things."

So yesterday when I found this incredible cover of the song by a...wait for it...KOREAN JAZZ MUSICIAN named Youn Sun Nah, I was absolutely delighted. So I'm including a youtube video of her charming rendition of "Favorite Things."

This morning I've had this song, plus some other new ones I put on my ipod lately, playing on my itunes while I work. And I decided to make a photo collage about the song, which is below the video in this post.

Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Photo credits:


1. Make Me Smile, 2. Apfelstrudel, 3. Cabled natural white handknit woolen mittens, 4. Brown paper and String..., 5. February 20 - Day 51, 6. Blue Ballerina, 7. Cream Colored Pony, 8. Vintage European Copper Tea Kettle, 9. Whiskers

Sister

Each Tear You Cry

Wait it Out

I "hear" this song by Imogen Heap on a personal level, but also on a spiritual one. Very poignant reflection of the whole "personal relationship with Jesus Christ" that's always eluded me. I realized I could live an entire lifetime in "the wretched hollow."

There are other "wretched hollows" in my life and over and over again, I see, once more, that putting curtains up in a prison cell doesn't make it "home." Maybe getting fed up with the "wretched hollow" is what finally motivates us to grow, change, move, stop waiting for someone else to engineer our satisfaction, and instead begin making our own happy lives.

"I Want To Be Seen with a Fresh Pair of Eyes"

Lyrics:

"'Cause I want to be seen
With a fresh pair of eyes
The single white tree
In a black hood of disguise

I want, I want to be seen
With a fresh pair of eyes
The single, the single white tree
In a black hood of disguise

I miss God, I miss God
I miss God, I miss God"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why does this touch something so deep? The Christians who love me might be hoping "I miss God" means I'm coming back into the fold (knowing smile/wink/the "I'm sorry!" look on my face) but alas, that's not it at all. Sorry guys. :)

So why does this strike something so deep inside of me. Well, I think, after some reflection it means:

I miss...

something I don't know if I've ever felt before, yet somehow I know what it is.

I want...

"to be seen with a fresh pair of eyes."

Which means...I think...

seeing myself in a way I never have.

Which can be summarized in one word:

Enough

I don't know (when I'm honest)....

If that's because I am not "enough" or because I can't see myself.

There. I said it. And not because I want a response. In fact, comments are closed on this one.

You see, if I've learned anything, it's that depending on the opinion of someone else...the approval of someone else...to give me value is.one.big.fat.mistake.

Perhaps that sounds like it comes from a jaded, callous heart.

That's because it does. But the real me...the one that KNOWS...knows that it's not just that.

My knowing says there's a deeper truth there, under the pain.

Somehow I got to age 33 (o.k. almost 34) with the mistaken belief that I need to be seen, understood and then loved by someone else in order to be "enough." I have walked around thinking that until someone really sees ME, really GETS ME, and looks at me, warts and all, and says, "Cheryl, you are enough...you are everything I have ever wanted...," that I'm...well....NOT enough. If you want to read about how MUCH I've wanted this, you can find it here, here and here.

That so doesn't work.

I could write a book (and probably will) about how I figured this out. But you probably already know the story, because really, when we look at it deep enough, beyond the unique details of one person's life, it's a very HUMAN story.

That story is simply this:

I am more than other people say that I am.

And...this one's the hardest to really "get:"

I am more than I say that I am.

That's where the "Fresh Pair of Eyes" comes in.

A friend sent me a link to this absolutely amazing video that simply must be watched, and watched to the very end. 

Here's the big "a-ha" moment for me in this: 

"When we work from a place that says, 'I am enough,' we stop screaming and we start listening." (Brene Brown)

For me that means that maybe, just maybe, if I can stop looking to others to define my value, I can "un-curl" out of the little ball of pain I've been in for so long, I can really SEE me. And maybe...just maybe...see myself as "enough."

And today I realize...<Tears>...today I realize....

That what I really long for is not someone else to tell me I am enough, but to really believe I am enough. I can't wait any longer to hear someone else say that. And what if they change their minds? There's the rub. So I realize it's going to have be my own voice saying, "You are enough." And somehow I'm going to have to learn to believe it.

I'm so not there.

Normally I wouldn't write about this if I didn't have this down. But hey...I'm trying some new stuff.

So I guess what I really want...

underneath all the pain...

Is not to "be seen by a fresh pair of eyes,"

But to see MYSELF with a fresh pair of eyes.

My Favorite Song This Week

"King of Anything"

I laughed out loud the first time I heard this song on the radio and now that I've heard it a bunch of times, I can't help singing it loudly with an expression on my face that I'm sure our old realtor and one of the most condescending, misogynist men I've ever met would call, "feisty." I can still get fired up, thinking about that man. I expressed some concern/opinion about the sale of our first home and he actually told me, and I quote, "Don't worry your pretty little head about that, Cheryl! You just take care of those beautiful kids and I'll talk to James about it." Needless to say, he heard "what for." I got a $50 Starbucks card in a conciliatory attempt to mend things, which I'm rather ashamed to say almost did the job, except for the accompanying note that, once again, referred to me as "feisty." Sigh.

Anyway, here's the music video that is just as great as the song. I was kind of disappointed that they put her in "masculine" clothes at the beginning. It looked like another case of the age-old "defeminize a woman because she's expressing her strength," as if a woman can't be "feisty" (gag) and feminine at the same time! But I was pleasantly surprised to see her anything BUT masculine at the end, so all in all, I'm giving this song and the music video a big thumb's up.



Here's the (outstanding) album:

Art

I Bruise Easily

I heard this song and read the lyrics for the first time today and there is something so deeply true and beautiful there. I love the cinematography of the video, for one thing. Watch and see what you think. I'm cutting and pasting the lyrics below, as well. I'll put the words that speak most deeply to me in bold...



My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing
So I let down my guard, drop my defenses, down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath
I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I've found your fingerprints on a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them all over this heart of mine, too
But if I never take this leap of faith, I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath
I bruise easily, I bruise easily

Anyone who
Can touch you
Can hurt you
Or heal you.
Anyone who
Can reach you
Can love you
Or leave you...

So be gentle
So be gentle
So be gentle
So be gentle

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath
I bruise easily,

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath
I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I bruise easily
I bruise easily
************************************

Isn't that so true? We have such power to heal or to hurt one another. We have the ability to mirror the best of someone to them so they know exactly how beautiful and wonderful they are. We have the ability to, when we see the "real them," tell them that what we see is ugly, not worthwhile or not good enough. We can, when it's tough, bail. Or we can, in the midst of, and in spite of, the pain, hang on tight with everything we've got.

We've all done some of both of all of the above. We've all received some of all of the above. And we know in our hearts that if we guard ourselves from that bruising in the song, we might be "safe," but we lose everything. But when we risk it all...when we're willing to love past the point of what's safe...we have a chance at real love.

I bruise easily. You do, too. We are all the same, deep down inside. We long to love and be loved extravagantly. And that means giving the person we most want love from the very weapon which could hurt us more than any other thing. Scary as hell.

I've faced that fear and wimped out in the face of it. I've picked "safe" over "risk." But I've also faced the fear, put everything on the line and discovered love waiting for me. I've learned what I really want is worth the risk. It's worth the pain. It's even worth it if I lose it in the end. I know now there's nothing about "safety" or protecting myself from pain that's worth not knowing real love. The pain of not loving loving/being loved is in fact worse than the pain of losing love.

What does this song make you think about?

The Real Me

First, watch this:



Now watch it again, but imagine sitting on a bench with the wounded, aching, afraid-to be-herself YOU. She's sitting there with a veil over her face, hunched over, alone no matter how many people are around her. The real HER is never o.k. to show to others; the real HER has been rejected far too many times; the real HER has fucked up too many times to count.

But you see HER.

And now listen to the song again, but change the lyrics to this, and imagine addressing that veiled YOU there on the bench:

Foolish heart looks like we're here again (fond smile, stroking her head)
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in (tip her chin up to look at you)
Hiding your heartache
Will this glass house break?
How much will they take
Before you're empty?
YOu're scared to let it show?
Does anybody know?

Chorus:
But I see the real YOU
Hiding in your skin
Broken from within
I unveil you completely (lift her veil and look deep into her eyes)
Now you can loosen your grasp
There's no need to mask your frailty
Oh, Cause I see the real you

Painted on
Your life lived behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
You're tired of the song and dance
Living a charade
Always on parade (lift the burden on her back off of her and pull her toward you)
What a mess you feel you've made of your existence
But I love you even now
And still I see somehow

Chorus:
I see the real YOU
Hiding in your skin,
Broken from within
I unveil you completely
You're loosening your grasp
There's no need to mask your frailty
Oh, Cause I see the real YOU

Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful
Is what I see
When I look at YOU
You're turning the tattered fabric of your life into
A perfect tapestry

Oh, I know you just wanna be you
You wanna be YOU

Chorus
And I see the real YOU
Hiding in your skin
Broken from within
I unveil you completely
You're loosening your grasp
There's no need to mask your frailty
Oh, Cause I see the real YOU
And I love you
Just as you are
Wonderful, beautiful
Is what I see
When I look at YOU.

That's powerful, isn't it? Why?

But let's take it one step further. Can I put someone else that I love on that bench in front of me and sing that to THEM? Give them permission to be THEM, messes and all? Can I just love them, without trying to change them? Can I choose to trust that there's a real THEM inside that is longing to be loved with a love that never leaves, no matter what, and respond to it with simple, abandoned love?

We all know that our projection of ourselves being loved is NOT the same thing as the REAL US being loved. I want to have the courage to show my real self AND accept the real self of the person in front of me. And what will happen there is love...real love...that we are all longing for.

________________
If you drawn to the spirit behind this post, I invite you to read this post from earlier this year. Same spirit.

"Fix You"

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


[ COLDPLAY LYRICS at www.AZLyrics.com ]
photo

Music video: HERE

In the Deep...

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

In the silence,
all your secrets will
raise their weary heads.
Well, you can't pin yourself back together,
well, who here thought you would?
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.

In the deep...

Now you're out there spinning...
Now you're out there swimming...
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.